What I’d like to share with you today revealed itself through a layered thought process. Here’s the rundown to save each of us some time (and me some confessional vulnerability):
- Woke up craving baked goods; don’t wish to eat baked goods; wish to be free of butter, sugar, and chocolate. Wish to be healthy and happy in my body.
- Asked self if I’m missing some nutrient or nutrient group, which would explain a craving. Noted that I have stopped eating a lot of coconut oil and begun eating more avocado again for good fat; wondered if that would do this. Asked self if it is in fact a craving, or simply a desire. Perhaps rooted in some emotional thing?
- Realized it’s emotional. Asked self what I’m trying to distract myself from. Told girlfriend about it. She asked if it was about the holidays. Aha! Yes, self says, all about the holidays. Remembered being triggered two nights prior in a mainstream grocery store, having woven through the bakery section twice looking for other things. Remembered at the time being repulsed by the vibration of all the sugar, but that something in me was triggered.
- Remembered feeling as a kid that this time of year was always full of not-genuine celebrating. Self says, If you have something to celebrate, great. If you don’t, don’t make me go to someone’s over-heated house to sit around and listen to old people complain about politics, the economy, and the weather.
- Remembered my mom making lots of cookies to give to neighbors, co-workers, teachers, et al. as a thoughtful gesture. Remembered being surrounded by sweets at this time of year and eating lots of them. Had judging feelings about this, because I felt like garbage most of my life from eating that sort of thing.
- Remembered being gifted with sweaters at holidays. I have from earliest memory run hot, meaning I’m a t-shirt year-round kind of human (Mars and Uranus conjunct in my 1st house combine as a furnace inside me, apparently). But then as a kid gifted with sweaters, you’re expected to wear them. Then realized that each time I received a sweater as a gift, I felt not heard. I was always hot. Always too hot – the sweater is the worst gift for me.
Now, these old feelings were enough to make me think that I wanted to eat things I know in my bones are not right for me. They are carried over from childhood and are affecting me now. I wanted to numb out from feeling them. It might seem not that important if I went ahead and ate what that part of me wanted, but I knew I’d feel crummy later today and probably tomorrow, too.
I’m posting this in case it inspires you to look into your own thought process to see what’s really driving anything you choose to do. If you live in the West and leave your house, check e-mail or social networking sites, or answer your phone, chances are now you’re surrounded by forced holiday cheer intended to seduce you into buying things. People all over are practically shouting “Happy holidays!” at you, and some of them are getting through. Maybe you’ll have your own memories related to this time of year resurface, too.
Do you want to live in the present tense? Do you want to be present? I think you do. I hear from many people in my work and life that this is a prevalent desire, and many are in fact seeing it as a need. We’re catching on to the fact that being healthy and happy requires being present. It was when I asked an Ascended Master about 2012/the end of the Mayan Calendar that the answer was all about getting present and helping others do the same.
In my work I often mention the need to live in the present tense, and in fact have written an entire natal report about it based in the teachings of that Ascended Master. It invites you to see into why you are the way you are and heal emotions that you might be carrying from past that now affect your life (using the archetypes Pluto, Chiron, Lilith, and Lucifer in your own natal chart).
This morning, I had to be okay with not giving myself what it seemed I wanted because I knew there was something behind it that I’d do well for myself to see. Being in that in-between place with what seems a craving can be difficult, but it’s worth it not to respond at first. As much as I can, I choose not to have my life run by my memories from the past.
An important point here is that if I let those memories hold sway in the way they first came up (if I ate what it seemed I wanted), I could have entirely missed the positive memories mixed in with them – I would have succeeded in numbing out from the negative that was coming up in my mind and heart. For example, all those cookies made by my mom were in fact a family endeavor. Kitchen time together was an important thing in my home, and I have a lot of wonderful memories of baking together.
Separately, it’s probably not even true that people weren’t really celebrating at all those get-togethers but forcing it. A bit ago I realized that I have this perception because it was hard for me to be aware of some emotional dynamics in others that were clearly not worthy of celebrating and then watching them show a happy face to others. That didn’t make sense to me.
I saw my Cancer South Node plus Chiron on the Descendant trine Moon-Mercury in the 3rd in a particular light: they had me pretty aware of emotional undercurrents in others. I just can’t hide my awareness of what’s going on in other people.
Now I get that when I see emotional knots in self or other, I think they need to be addressed. But you can still have a party for a few friends even if you’re dealing with some difficult thing in your life. But, see – I can’t! I can’t put emotions on hold and then have a party. So I was around people who were – drum roll, please – multidimensional and I wasn’t sure how to deal with the conflicting-seeming realities of their inner and outer life. It all seemed so very disingenuous, so put-on – fake. And the little Scorpio with the Cancer SN and Chiron on the DSC couldn’t deal with what seemed fake and untrue.
So, do you want to be present? Want to live in the present tense? I can tell you it enables you to work through your history in a kind way (even when those memories are negative). It also brings you to be free enough from your history to do what you came here to do.
The natal report I mentioned above is in fact a prep course for healing, asking you questions about each of the four placements covered in the report to help you unlock old memories in yourself and rewrite why your experiences unfolded as they did. It’s a great exploration into how you’re wired, in fact. Mention this blog post to me in an e-mail before ordering and get $10 off an order of 3 (they are great as gifts!), making three $50 instead of $60. Orders received by the end of 12/20 will be delivered by the end of 12/23, just like with the Soul’s Journey Soundbites that many are giving as gifts this year.
Tom Jacobs is an Evolutionary Astrologer, Medium, and Channel. An hour consultation with him is $100 until the end of the year, 40% off. Read more at http://tdjacobs.com.