Dear Diary: Working with an other-life self who is freaking out while dying in the desert.

To file under “dealing with other-life self emotions/issues”:

A persona from another life has come to the surface after years of mounting tension. When you might have heard me complain about Tucson and the weather/climate, and just all-around griping about what a crummy place it is, here is the source, from what I can tell.

The guy is in some desert, locked in a cell in some kind of yellowish mud brick/adobe building. Some kind of jail. Able to look out an opening with bars on it, he sees sand. When I tap into him, I see that he sees cactus and desert scrub everywhere like Tucson, but I think that might be a superimposition and not true. In other words, I don’t know what desert and suspect it might not be the Sonoran, where I live now. Also no idea re what part of the timeline.

There is one other prisoner in the small place, but they don’t see each other and don’t talk. I think there’s a guard at least for a while, but my sense is that he leaves and these two men are left to die. So, this other-life self of mine feels trapped in the desert and is preparing to die by losing hope and will, and is in a perpetual state of giving up.

I can’t tell if he did a crime and was arrested or if it’s a mistake. I’ve felt into if it’s an ethnic or religious prejudice thing and get nothing. The only thing that feels slightly resonant is that he’s far from home and doesn’t speak the local language, so couldn’t defend himself when arrested or grabbed, and feels totally powerless even before the guard leaves. Actually, I just felt into skin color as I typed and that feels right – far from home, doesn’t speak the language, different skin color (one not liked in this place).

For years as I’ve been in my office where we live, I’ve felt like I’m in prison waiting to die. (And now just realizing that our condo is similar in color to this guy’s prison.) I don’t talk about this much because I know on one level it’s not real and must be another-life self asserting his or her experience. I’ve brought all of my tricks to bear to get into it to shift/release/heal, but the despair and hopelessness and feeling of being unfairly punished have swept me away multiple times. Deeper pain/anger/grief/powerlessness take time to unwind, sometimes years or decades. Since being in Tucson, I’ve felt pretty often that I’m being punished unfairly, and it’s been weird to see that but it’s taken over often.

When I leave Tucson, I feel better. After a few hours I begin to feel some openness and clarity, and after a day or two I’m happy again. When I return to Tucson, I’m okay for a couple of weeks … up to a couple of weeks. Recent return trips have had me very aware of this effect and busting my hump to not let the unhappiness take over. But it always has, as I can’t fight the feeling of hopelessness that sort of swallows me.

And then I do work, which makes me happy. I work with clients and students, I channel and cut/polish and energetically program stones and crystals, and these things make me happy. But when I’m alone, between work and in my office, this guy’s view of the world creeps in.

I can honestly say that it’s been 4 times in 8 years in Tucson that I’ve been able to see the mountains as beautiful. There have been times when I see them with my eyes and brain and can recognize that they are, but this part of me can’t let anything in Tucson be beautiful. Finally I get why.

The last week or so as he’s started to be more on the surface, he essentially has two modes: being down and, when I see the desert incl. cacti,  screaming. I’ve been trying to not give into either, but he just wants to scream panic. Like, as in, constantly scream whenever I see a sandy dune layered with cacti, or the rocks and gravel that pass for lawns in Tucson. Just scream in panic … endlessly. So, that’s what I’ve been feeling when I’m not working: the urge to scream endlessly which, I believe, would make me lose my mind – because that’s sometimes where this guy is in his head/heart.

Today in the car on my way to Denver for an expo, I heard some people on a podcast discussing recessive genes. They used the example of eye color and said something like: Let’s assume for this example that there are only two. Brown is dominant and blue is recessive.

I found myself thinking that I have green eyes and realized that this other-life dude was directly on the surface … because I had an image/memory of me seeing my head/face/eyes in a mirror and knowing that my eyes are green, but simultaneously not seeing how that could be true. It’s often that when an other-life part of self (typically called past-life self) is with you directly and on the surface, your physical body seems off or weird. This can be re gender, height, weight, skin or hair or eye color. Or, even the language you hear yourself speaking can seem weird to that part.

The other-life guy and me looking at each other looking at each other. One of us doesn’t understand how I could have green eyes.

Speaking to my girlfriend a bit ago, I described the eye-color thing. Then I had to get through the haze of that part’s despair and think through/write out some late homework for a class I said I’d send days ago but have been too distracted by all of this to get done. So, I sat down at my computer, which is on a desk with a mirror facing me and saw my eyes, and that nervousness got real very fast. I had to look away and keep thinking through the fog, and typing, and then proofreading a few times and writing an email to the students.

(By the way, best not to ask my why I’m still in Tucson – working on my escape now.)

A few months ago I began feeling into whether I have an other-life self in prison in Tucson, as the feeling is so palpable, so real. I wondered if I was guided to move to Tucson in order to connect with and heal the awful memories, and wondered if that fragment of my consciousness is still wandering around this dimension and needs to be released. I’ve found that the most intense karmic pain and other difficult emotions can belong to parts of self who did not transition after death and “go into the light,” and that they can be processed and brought to choose to release the pain, etc. they carry so the human in the 21st century can move on. I guess that’s what I’ll be doing here.

What has been becoming clear makes the most sense, whether he’s in Tucson or somewhere else in Sonora. Oh, also, I routinely find myself thinking that I’m in Mexico, that Tucson is actually part of Mexico. In doing research a few years ago I was reminded of the Gadsden purchase, when Mexico sold a strip of what is now southern Arizona and it became part of the Arizona Territory.

The Soul's Journey III: A Case Study coverIf you’re interested in how I teach people to integrate other-life selves through emotions – no regression necessary! – begin with my book The Soul’s Journey III: A Case Study. I routinely do client work on this kind of speed bump – everything can be healed, everything can be released.